Troubled Minds

Lisa (Chapter 3)

2007-11-04T22:19:00.000+08:00

Over the next few days
After she saw the psychiatrist
Lisa felt so much better
He diagnosed her as having major depression
Because she had depressed mood for more than 2 weeks
Associated with anhedonia and insomnia
Loss of appetite, weight and concentration
Feelings of worthlessness and suicide
He also explained to her
That although her symptoms are caused by her recent breakup
They are too intense than usual
To be accounted for by adjustment disorder
And coupled with deterioration in social and occupational functioning
Fulfil the diagnosis of major depression

She was prescribed with Faverin
An anti-depressant that acts
By selectively inhibiting the reuptake of serotonin at synaptic junctions
Thus overcoming serotonin deficiency
That is believed to be the biochemical basis of depression

Although the psychiatrist told her
That she needs to take Faverin for at least two weeks
Before she can experience its anti-depressant effect
She already felt so much better after the first few doses
She wondered if it's the so-called placebo effect
The alleviation of symptoms
By the psychological assurance of taking a drug
Than the pharmacological action of the drug itself

She was also given a few days of medical leave
So that she can be temporarily relieved from work
To rest at home for recuperation
And now that she's feeling better
She actually looked forward to returning to work
And resuming her responsibilities as regional manager
Although she sometimes wonder
If she'll be stigmatised because of her illness
She brushed off the worry
And promised herself she'll make a brand new start
When she return to work tomorrow

(To be continued)

Jason (Chapter 4)

2007-11-03T22:00:00.000+08:00

Lying restrained to the bed
His body was paralysed
By the tranquilizer they injected into his arm
But his mind was actively replaying
The terrifying scenes that happened earlier
The policemen pinning him down onto the bed
Breaking his shoulders
The nurses tying him forcefully
Fracturing his wrists
The doctors laughing at his helplessness
Then giving him a poison injection
Not to kill him but to increase his suffering
His enemies are everywhere around him
He is eternally doomed
Like what the voices told him
He wanted to scream
But no sound came out from his mouth
He wanted to break free
But his hands and legs were beyond his control
He was sinking slowly
In a bottomless pit of darkness
Deeper and deeper into darkness

He didn't know how long he was unconscious
But he certainly felt much better
When he opened his eyes again
His head no longer hurt as much
And the voices seemed to have diminished
Though he was still restrained
The pain on his wrists now seemed more bearable
He turned his heavy head
And caught a glimpse of his surroundings
He was in the hospital ward
With other male patients
Dressed in the same clothing
Some were staring blankly into space
One was talking to the sky
While another was slapping himself in the face

Suddenly he heard a loud bang
An agitated patient just threw a chair against the floor
Then shouted and screamed hysterically
While surrounded by nurses
Who attempted to pacify him
Before restraining him onto the bed

Like a bewildered bystander
Jason wondered if he behaved like that too
When the police escorted him here
He suddenly felt so vulnerable
That he may once again lose control
Of his mind, his body and his soul
To the demons who once possessed him

(To be continued)

Jason (Chapter 3)

2007-09-29T22:04:00.000+08:00

Going back to school wasn't as easy
As what Jason thought
Although most of his friends
Welcomed his return and encouraged him
The rest of his classmates seemed to ostracize him
Although they did not attack him directly
Nor make any sarcastic remarks
He could tell from the look on their eyes
That they are talking behind his back
And gloating over his misfortune
He initially thought it was just his suspicion
But these ideas of reference
Became stronger over the days
Exacerbated by the degradatory voices
He now strongly believed
That his classmates are plotting against him
Wanting him to drop out of school
So he started avoiding them
And very soon after
Like a self-fulfilling prophecy
He stopped attending lessons altogether

But it didn't stop there
His classmates continued to harass him
By installing surveillance cameras
In every corner of his house
He was very sure of that
He heard them commenting on his activities
Laughing at his predicament
Even when challenged by his psychiatrist
That it could possibly be untrue
"How could your classmates have entered your house without the key?"
He held firmly to his bizarre belief
Even when it is obviously not consistent
With his socio-cultural background and education level

His paranoia worsened to the extent
He locked himself in his room for days
Refusing to eat or drink
Hiding under a blanket most of the time
He figured out that
"If they can't see me,
They can't do anything to harm me"
His parents were exasperated
They had no choice but to call the police
Who broke into his room
And forcefully escorted him to mental hospital
Via an ambulance

(To be continued)

Thomas (Chapter 1)

2007-09-27T22:31:00.000+08:00

He just can't stop thinking
That his hands are dirty
After washing them again and again
Using handwash, detergent and soap
Thomas still can't get rid of the dirt
Even when he doesn't see any dirt on his hands
The thoughts in his mind keep repeating
That his hands are dirty

He knows these thoughts are his own
Not planted by some alien
Or possessed by some spirit
Yet he couldn't resist them
No matter how hard he tries
Like hungry maggots
They intrude every corner of his mind
Leeching onto his every bit of concentration
Until he succumb to what they are saying
That his hands are dirty
And he'll start washing his hands again

It is the 75th time
He washed his hands today
He lathered his palms with handwash
Rinsed them under running water
And rubbed them for 20 times
No more, no less
Exactly 20 times
And if he gets distracted when he's counting
He'll start all over again
1 time, 2 times, 3 times... 20 times
Exactly 20 times

Such a ridiculous ritual doesn't make his hands any cleaner
But it brings tremendous relief to his anxiety
And remedy to his stress
It is as though something bad will happen to him
If he doesn't wash his hands
There was once he tried to resist the compulsion
But he began to feel giddy
Heart beating very fast
Difficult to catch his breath
Butterflies in his stomach
Legs softened like jelly
As if he was going to die

So he surrendered to his obsessions
And performed his compulsions
But though he feels better momentarily
They seem to be getting worse
These unpleasant thoughts became more frequent
As the days went by

He has been washing his hands more frequently
But it no longer provides any considerable relief
To his distress and suffering

(To be continued)

Lisa (Chapter 2)

2007-09-22T22:35:00.000+08:00

It has taken Lisa's friends a lot of effort
To persuade her to see a psychiatrist
She portrayed herself as an optimistic and confident lady
A near perfectionist and a career woman
It is difficult to imagine
How she could succumb to depression
But her work performance was visibly affected
The mistakes she made and complaints she received
Jeopardized her post of regional manager

At first she was reluctant to see the psychiatrist
She thought she would never feel comfortable
Sharing her emotions with a complete stranger
But the psychiatrist made it seem so easy
With his approachable and assuring demeanor
Lisa talked about her failed relationship
And the emptiness he left in her life
How it sometimes made her feel so overwhelmed
That she wanted to end her life
She also confided in him
That she took an overdose of twenty tablets of panadol last week
In an impulsive attempt
To free herself from all the unhappiness
But she regretted her foolish action
When she thought of her parents
Her friends and everyone else who love her
She managed to purge out the panadol
Before it was absorbed in sufficient quantity
To cause any damage to her liver

Her tears flowed effortlessly
During the consulation
Other than lending an empathic ear
It was as if the psychiatrist
Held a special key to her heart
Which unlocked all the repressed sorrow
And allowed her to achieve emotional cartharsis
For the first time in so many months
She is finally coming to terms with the hurt she faced
And learning to let go of her painful past
Yesterday's gloomy clouds are clearing
Making way for a brighter tomorrow

(To be continued)

Lisa (Chapter 1)

2007-09-17T19:44:00.000+08:00

Tears rolled down her cheeks
Whenever she thought of him
It has been two months
Since they broke up
But she still couldn't get over him

Lisa has been crying almost every day
Unable to conceal the sadness in her heart
She lost interest in shopping
No longer looking forward to buying new dresses
With her monthly pay check
She no longer craved for sumptuous food
Her weight dropped by 4 kilograms over 2 months
She found it difficult to concentrate at work
Because of accumulated fatigue
From the many sleepless nights
Her self-esteem and confidence
Were badly shaken by the break-up
And there were times
She felt worthless and even contemplated suicide

They were planning to get married
In the later part of the year
They have been dating for 5 years
When he finally proposed to her last year
And she accepted his proposal

But their fairytale romance ended in an anticlimax
After she found out that he has been cheating on her
In the midst of their busy wedding preparations
She couldn't forget the unremorseful look on his face
When she found him in bed with a female colleague
At that instant she knew
He has no more love for her
They broke up soon after
Called off the wedding
And stopped contacting each other

He moved on with his life
But she slipped into major depression

(To be continued)

Jason (Chapter 2)

2007-09-16T18:05:00.000+08:00

The haloperidol did its magic
The voices did not disappear completely
But became softer and less malevolent
For the first time in many months
Jason felt a sense of hope
That he can recover from his illness
And fulfil his dream of becoming Singapore's best author
He looked into the mirror
Almost couldn't recognize himself
It has only been a few months
Yet he seemed to have aged a few decades
Schizophrenia has robbed him of his good looks
And in its place a dishevelled man
Dirty, unshaven and all
He remembered that he hadn't bathed
For the past one week
Locked himself in his room for most of the time
Refused to eat and drink
Despite pleas from his parents
They almost called an ambulance
To bring him to mental hospital for admission

He turned on his computer
Logged on to the Internet
His inbox was full
Plenty of unread emails
From classmates and friends
Sending their sincere regards to him
Hoping that he can recover soon
And return to join them in class
He fought back his tears
When he remembered he has missed
A semester of school just like that
All the while when he was paralysed by the voices
The world never stopped revolving around him

He flipped open his textbook
Started reading through the pages
The words seemed so familiar yet so distant
He wondered if he can comprehend the contents
As well as he used to
His heart ached at the realisation
That he is no longer articulate like before
He now has a troubled mind

He closed his eyes
And made a silent promise
That he will not allow his condition
To cripple his life anymore
He read on the Internet
That the voices in schizophrenia
Are caused by dopamine imbalance in the brain
And that haloperidol works
By blocking post-synaptic dopamine receptors
In the mesolimbic pathway
Thus relieving the voices
Having understood the pathophysiology of schizophrenia
He promised himself
From that very day
That he will take his medications as prescribed
To achieve control over his symptoms
He will return to school tomorrow
And start his life all over again
(To be continued)

Jason (Chapter 1)

2007-09-13T13:50:00.000+08:00

His life went on a downward spiral
From the day he believed he was possessed
He remembered that fateful day
At his uncle's funeral
When out of nowhere
He started hearing voices
But there was nobody talking to him
The voices were real
Just like yours and mine
Male and female
Conversing about him
"Look at Jason. He's cursed.
His life will fall apart. He's cursed."
He was terrified of course
But there was little he could do about it
The voices came from outside
Not from his imagination
He tried to shove them out of his ears
But they just wouldn't go away
They rattled on and on
When he was alone
Or in the company of friends
When he was doing his tutorials
Or when he was watching television
They were everywhere
Tormenting him
From days to weeks to months

He finally confided in his parents
Who brought him to see a psychiatrist
He was diagnosed with schizophrenia
A serious mental illness
That makes him lose touch with reality
Such that he is unable to distinguish
What is a real perception
From what is a hallucination
(Hallucination is different from imagination
In that hallucination occurs outside the mind
Whereas imagination occurs within the mind)

The psychiatrist also said
That he needed to be on long-term medications
To control his symptoms
And prevent further deterioration of his functioning
He laughed at the cruel joke
Fate has played on him
He was a final year student
Majoring in Arts at NUS
But instead of seeing the bright future laid out for him
His world is now disintegrating right before his eyes
He thought of his late uncle
Who jumped to his death
He was also diagnosed with schizophrenia
Maybe it runs in his family
Or maybe he was possessed by his uncle's spirit

So instead of taking the medications
Prescribed by the psychiatrist
He sought help from Chinese mediums
Whom his friends recommended
But instead of casting out the demons in him
The talisman and holy water
Only exacerbated the voices
Made them hurl profanities at him
And command him to kill himself

Standing at the ledge of the window
He could not resist the temptation to end his suffering
Once and for all
As he put his right foot over the ledge
He suddenly remembered the pills his psychiatrist prescribed
And at the very last moment of desperation
He put his hand into his pocket
Took out a tablet of haloperidol
And popped it into his mouth...

(To be continued)